While you are in the grasp of strong negative emotions it may seem difficult to build any resilience to life’s less pleasurable experiences. Learning to work with your emotions is possible though, and that’s a thought you should bear in mind if you are experiencing excessive negative thoughts.
How come some people give up and cry into a bottle, while others just pick themselves up, dust themselves off and carry on as if nothing happened? They’re called coping skills, and anyone can develop them.
Flexibility and adaptation are undoubtedly two outlooks that help people recover from bad situations. Whereas someone who may feel entrenched in their negative feelings finds it harder to remove themselves from those feelings and change direction, those who are willing to see emotions as things that grip them tighter the more they focus on them, and understand how to let go and change direction quickly, come out on top.
In a way, learning to work with emotions can feel like falling into quicksand or Chinese finger traps.
By seeing negative events in your life as flexible, short term situations, you can more easily move on. Let’s imagine someone who sees these negative events as a fixed point in space and time (pardon the sci-fi speak, but this does make sense). To them, that disappointment they felt with themselves or that failure they felt, is a fixed point in their life. It’s always there. Nothing they can do will change that fact that there is failure and disappointment in their lives.
So how can you work with your emotions, and what can you do to help you adopt this outlook?
Ever poured paint or bleach into a bucket of water? That’s how negative people think. When one bad thing enters their life, it starts to spread and color everything else. They may well have been the life and soul of the party until that point, but now everything is just a mess!
Try seeing new challenges as crayons that can be laid side-by-side with each other. Don’t dwell on the fact that you didn’t manage to quit smoking today, but see that you smoked less and are not going to let a temporary setback prevent you from trying again the next day.
Just because you don’t get something done the first time doesn’t mean you won’t get it done at another point in the future. No one writes a book, paints a portrait or drives a car the first time they try.
Maybe you wonder what’s really going on when you feel like certain events push your buttons. Take control of your emotional triggers and work with emotions by increasing your awareness and developing new ways of responding.
Handling Anger in a Healthy Way
Not all anger is the same. Did you know that there are healthy and unhealthy ways to manage your anger? Sometimes it’s good and right to get mad at something. Positive change can come from being angry at injustice or inequality. Righteous or justified anger from being mistreated can be a great motivator for change.
But if you’ve had bad experiences of anger, say lousy role models in your childhood, you might only see anger as destructive and scary. But learning anger management so you can be in control of angry feelings can have a positive effect on your relationships. Here are some expert strategies to help you manage your anger.
Know What You’re Dealing With
Understanding why you’re angry and where it’s coming from is key. Maybe you’re stressed and grumpy, fatigued, or unwell. Or perhaps the reason for your anger is apparent.
Once you work with emotions to understand your anger and its sources, you can start to deal with things.
Write It Down
Turning your feelings into words is a powerful act. Just write whatever comes into your head, even if it doesn’t make sense. Please see my post on journaling for deeper self understanding.
The act of writing down your thoughts stops them from running in circles in your head and gets them down on paper. Chances are they might not even seem so big or insurmountable. You might even begin to see patterns, so you can understand what triggers your angry feelings.
Take Some Action
Once you know what’s making you angry, you can plan workarounds for it. Be aware of your triggers and minimize them. That can mean making sure you eat properly to avoid blood sugar crises, get enough sleep, and exercise and take time out for self-care.
You won’t be able to avoid being angry sometimes, but you can take control, so you’re not vulnerable to anger and frustration.
Don’t Stew
Stewing on the cause of your anger is actively unhelpful. It keeps you stuck in those negative feelings, keeps you stuck in victim mode, and keeps you powerless. It is the opposite of trying to work with emotions.
Brooding is also bad for your blood pressure and keeps you stewing in adrenaline and cortisol, the fight or flight stress hormones which are excellent in an emergency by not so great to have all the time.
Don’t Rehash Your Anger
Talking over your problems can be helpful if you share with a trusted friend. But be careful to keep it focused, or you might end up rehashing your troubles over and over again. Like brooding, complaining can keep you from moving forward and finding solutions to your problems.
Take a Mindful Walk
Chances are you spend a lot of the day sitting in an office, and frankly, the prospect of doing more sitting is not so appealing, even if it’s for mindfulness meditation. Luckily, there is a long tradition of walking meditation and developing a mindfulness walking practice can be a great way to take a break and boost your mood.
You might think that walking meditation sounds a bit contradictory, but it’s a great way to bring awareness to everyday activity and to detach from the busyness of modern life and be fully present. The ideal would be walking somewhere beautiful, somewhere in nature. But mindfulness can be practiced anytime, anywhere! Walking between floors in your office building, or during your daily commute or a lunchtime walk through the park are fine. And you can do it right now.
It’s easy to start a mindful walking practice – here’s how.
- If possible, try to wear comfortable shoes and clothes.
- Make the conscious decision to walk mindfully.
- Take every opportunity to walk mindfully.
- Leave your phone at home.
Before you start walking, take a moment to check in with your body and see how you’re feeling. Notice your posture, feel the weight of your body and how your spine, legs, and feet are working to keep you balanced and upright. Breathe a few times deeply and bring your awareness to the present moment.
Focus your eyes softly ahead of you and begin to walk naturally and easily. Pay attention to the mechanics of walking, the sound of your breath, the freedom of just being. You may find it helpful to coordinate your step with your breathing—breathe in, step. Breathe out, step.
You may find your attention wandering. Observe this and gently keep bringing it back to the breath or to the physical sensation of walking (your feet touching the earth, your knees bending, your arms gently swinging.)
Move your attention to your senses.
Notice the sounds you can hear without stopping to name them or determine if you find them pleasant or unpleasant. Notice them and let them go.
Shift your awareness to what you can smell. Keep your awareness moving, not labeling or judging. Intuition and senses go hand in hand. If you feel like you’ve lost touch with your inner guidance, you may enjoy this free workshop on reclaiming your body’s innate guidance system.
Now focus on what you can see. Colors, objects, textures, shapes.
Return your attention to the feeling of walking through the environment. The physical sensations of walking, the air cool or warm on your skin, ruffling your hair, how your feet are touching the ground and how this activity moves through your body.
Don’t worry if you get distracted, just keep returning to the rhythm of breathing in and out, the rhythm of walking. Mindful walking is something that is easy to integrate into your life and will pay off in reduced stress, greater resilience, and greater inner peace. It is much easier to address and work with emotions when your mind is stilled.
Doesn’t it feel good to be truly comfortable and at ease in your own skin?
To be able to release the residue of traumas and long-held blocks that may be hijacking your joy, creativity, and vitality? The key to experiencing this powerful shift lies in discovering how to reconnect with the deep wisdom of your body.
Doing that can be challenging when influences from our culture, education, childhood, and the past cause us to “live” in our heads or only in part of our bodies –– misreading or unaware of the signals and knowledge we’re receiving from the rest of our system.
If you would like to further explore how to expand into your full-body wisdom, join leading conscious awareness expert Suzanne Scurlock for a free online event: Reclaiming Your Body’s Innate Guidance System: How to Listen to Your Bones and 5 More Wisdom Areas to Heal Trauma & Increase Intuition.
Understanding Your Emotions and Triggers
- Learn the definition of triggers. A trigger is an experience that draws us back into the past and causes old feelings and behaviors to arise. An ice cream sandwich may remind you of summer vacations or gossiping coworkers could bring back images of high school cliques.
- Spot external prompts. Some triggers are situational and social. Many people tend to eat more at holiday gatherings. If your spouse is tense, it may affect your own mood.
- Identify internal causes to pinpoint and work with emotions. Over time, anything can be internalized. Even when you’re surrounded by loved ones, you may be carrying around old conflicts that interfere with your ability to live in the present moment.
- Realize we are all human, and we all have our emotional triggers. Much of the literature about triggers focuses on addictions. It’s important to remember that memory plays a powerful role in all our lives.
- Accept individual differences. If you’re startled by loud noises that your spouse fails to notice, you’ve seen how differently people react to the same stimulus. Taking such variety into account improves communications and relationships.
Managing Your Emotions and Triggers
- Keep a journal. Tracking your triggers is often the first step in mastering them. It might be helpful to keep a log of occasions when you experience intense emotions or engage in behavior you want to change. Note what’s going on in your head and in your surroundings at the time.
- Challenge yourself. The key to change is placing yourself in difficult positions and being open to doing something new and more constructive. If worrying about money is keeping you up at night, call your creditors to arrange payment plans.
- Know your capacity. Proceed at your own pace. Start out by being more assertive with your spouse and friends if you need to practice before talking with your boss.
- Come up with alternatives. Take advantage of quiet times to brainstorm new strategies you can use when you are under pressure. List productive and enjoyable activities you can substitute for gambling or other habits you want to break.
- Make time to relax. Reducing daily stress will make it easier to handle intense emotions. Begin a daily meditation practice or start out the day by listening to instrumental music during your drive to the office.
- Consider therapy. If you’re having trouble making progress on your own, professional help could make a big difference. Ask your physician or people you trust for references or call the psychology department at your local universities.
- Live healthy. One simple way to make yourself more resilient is to take good care of your body and mind. Eat right, sleep well and exercise regularly. You’ll be better prepared to bounce back from any obstacles that may arise.
- Develop a strong support network. Close family and friends are vital to feeling validated and nurtured. When you’re dealing with stubborn issues, it’s good to know you have people who care about you and want to help.
- Show compassion. The more you know about your own triggers, the more insight you can develop into what the people around you may be struggling with. Strive to be a little more patient and forgiving and people will be more likely to do the same for you.
We all have our own unique emotional triggers. Learning to handle them constructively enables us to fix the issues that get in our way and move ahead in life.
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